Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Trapped



That's me.

Bound.

Trapped.

Shackled.

Imprisoned.

Sentenced for life.

Sounds overwhelming. Sounds sacrilegious, doesn't it?
I'm finding that it may be sacrilegious, but it's not exactly against God's Word. Even if you don't agree with me, I'm learning to be okay with that too. I might not be okay with it always. I might even delete this without posting. Or maybe post and then delete. I feel alone in my imprisonment sometimes. I watch as others are freer and freer to take part in the freedom of the Christian life and enjoy sharing raw truth about God, Christianity, growing with the saints, and just being truthful about things - pretty or ugly. And yet I see myself still only sharing the pretty.

I have flown on flights of transforming metamorphosis and crashed-landed on thorns of dismay and still I feel only worthy to share victories - because isn't the Christian life a victorious one?! Maybe it's religion itself that has led me astray.

Jesus was an enemy of religion. It got him crucified. I do not suffer such dangers, for I live in a land where I am free to believe what I want.

I live with a different type of social pressure, much less dangerous. I am married to a man who pastors a church. I'm expected to be religious. But aren't we all religious in some way? I religiously brush my teeth. I religiously take a bath. I go to church religiously. I straighten my hair religiously (for now). I go to work religiously. Hence, I am religious. So why has "religion" gotten such a bad rap?

Bound.

Trapped.

Shackled.

Imprisoned.

Sentenced for life.

That's what religion does to so many. But even for us, who are believers in Christ... It's a life sentence, this whole thing, you know? There's no getting out of it. I am God's, and his forever. In that way, I am bound with a tie that can not be broken. Yet that doesn't mean that the tugs of the flesh and the religion of man won't take it's toll on my psyche. But is it religion to which I am bound?

For so many years I thought that though I am saved by grace alone, only works will gain God's favor in my walk through life. When all along he's been wanting me just where I am. Talk about sacrilegious! That's exactly what Jesus was telling those around him while on earth. He wanted the unwanted. He helped the helpless. He covered the infractions of the lawless.

Oh yes, I am shackled. I am bound. I am trapped. I am sentenced for life and imprisoned. And though at times it seems that I'd love to break away from what the world perceives as my religious role of imprisonment, the only one to whom I am forever bound is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords!

I am free to tell him that I don't like being a foreigner in a foreign land, when no one else wants to listen without judgment. I shout to him my cries of inadequacies and complaints of seeming despair. And he only wants more!

More of me, just where I am.

Despite the fact that I feel trapped and bound in this role that demands a "pastor's wife" performance to the world at large, I am still finding myself freely imprisoned in his love. His demands are doable. His yolk is easy. His burden is light. I am shackled to them, and they to me. And somehow in the most ironic of circumstances as only God can do, I am free to be myself because of this binding love.

2 comments:

  1. Breathtaking.
    Absolutely beautiful.
    Real.
    Raw.
    Imperfectly perfect.
    I love you my darling friend. You shine Jesus. I am so proud of you.
    SO glad I have a friend who's hand I can hold along this journey...

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  2. Julie, you mean so much to me, precious gem in my life! I count it a privilege to be your friend! This journey IS much sweeter knowing that we're not on it alone. <3

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