This blog for me has become a source of therapy. I know a few of my friends asked me to start blogging probably because they wanted to see cute pictures of my kids. Sorry, that's what's Facebook is for, so if you want to see pretty pictures of my gorgeous children by all means, Facebook is where it's at!. Here, I share my heart.
A few months ago I became acquainted with a Christian author named Kary Oberbrunner who has written a new book entitled, Your Secret Name.
He sent me an email this summer, before his book was released, and invited me to submit a song that I had written to be used in his promotions. I have yet to finish the recording of the song, even though my plans are still in the works. Musicians are a shady lot, I tell ya! But this book, song, and idea of my very own God-given secret name has been transforming my life. I have yet to read the book, and plan to treat myself to it as a Christmas gift. But the concept is, as I said, life-altering. His premise is Revelation 2:17 "... To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it."
As I have heard more and more about the book, and more importantly, the concept that God has a new name for us, I have become so intrigued. But that led to frustration. You see, there's a test you can take on the book's website that gives you a list of things from which to choose. You can choose things like "Abandoned", "Lazy", "Ignorant", etc. All labels that the world has put on people, their names, if you will. I didn't truly identify with any name but one: "Misfit". That's how I feel most of the time. Just a little bit out of place. The name they suggested for me, as an example of what God might call me was "Welcomed". hmmm...
Not so much. Welcomed, that's okay, but my name? I was a little irritated by the thought of others finding their names and myself being stuck with Welcomed. The stories others would tell said things like "I found the beautiful name God has given me, and I totally identify with my new name: "Hope", "Beloved", "Free", etc. I didn't "feel" it. I became a little frustrated and even irritated at God for not showing me my own name. I didn't like "Welcomed", I didn't FEEL welcomed even if I knew that He'd never shun me, I didn't want that to be my name. I chose "Misfit" and I wanted something like "Perfect Fit For My Plan"... but that's impractical, now isn't it? I mean, we've given up names like Sitting Bull or Shining Star in the Night when our ancestors decided to marry the British who frowned upon such things!
You see, a few years ago, I began to pray very candidly. I begin to tell God that he's just got the wrong girl for this job. I wanted to move. I WANT to move! I don't fit in here by any stretch of the imagination. I have found my niche, don't get me wrong. I love working with my kids and my husband. I love teaching. But rarely a day goes by where I am not reminded that I'm the foreigner in this foreign land! And that feeling of discomfort and just not fitting in nearly drove me insane. I tried to conform. I tried to please if not one side, the other. If not all, some... and I failed miserably and literally lost the essence of who I truly am along the way.
In the past couple years, however, I have begun to skip all the politics, and ask God if at least he still wanted me. Could I fit in to his plan still? Because I sure wasn't feeling cut out for the stuff I thought that I was supposed to do.
And so, you see, this book - this concept - caught me along my soul-searching journey. Along my road to finding out who "Shelly" is. But that's not really what matters, I have found. It's what God knows me as that matters. About two or three weeks ago, God was so gracious to understand my frustration and hear my cry. I was asked to do something I am not completely comfortable doing and I automatically said "yes" without hesitation. I don't know what I was thinking! Oh the battle that went on within me, trying to find an excuse to get out of it!
The excuses didn't come, so the prayers increased.
I just ended up telling God, "But I really don't think I'm good enough to do this without being ridiculed AGAIN!"
And then, in that inaudible, lovely voice, He spoke ever so clearly.
"You're Enough for me!"
That's it! That's my name!
Maybe it isn't something you would choose, or even identify with. Maybe it wouldn't speak to you like it did to me. Maybe it isn't fancy, but it's me.
It wasn't about taking a test, though it works so well for some. What a help it is to see the opposite word of how the world sees you in bold print, right in front of your face! God sees you like that.
But for me, it was more than the test could give, and I am sure exactly what the author had in mind! It is a personal realization that God sees you in a way only he can. It is as unique as your own fingerprint.
For me, "Enough" is MORE THAN enough!
What's your name?