Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Coming home

It's a new year, 2012. And with the new year, new beginnings; so I have decided to end the series of "my story" right where I left it. I have essentially answered the questions of "how'd you end up in Eastern Europe?" and "how'd you guys meet?" So I will leave it there, and forge into another stage in my life. Right where I am.

I have taken a bit of a break from technology over these last couple months. I am not a popular blogger, nor the type who checks her email daily (to the chagrin of some!) so it has mattered little to anyone except myself. You see, this solitude though in times past may have been a danger to my well-being, has been reinvigorating this time around! What a relief to know that life goes on even without my checking facebook. Who'd have thought, right?

But this stepping back has been a sort of coming home for me, if you will. If there has been one thing that I have struggled with being a foreigner, it has been feeling at home. No surprise there, right? Even my blog title reflects my deepest struggle. And 2011 challenged me in ways I could have never imagined.

It started out with a phone call from my sister. She was engaged! We were starting the new year right! From Jan 3, to March 8, my mind was pretty much fixated on getting our whole family back to see my kid sister get hitched! ;) It was an exciting time... but then came the blows. One of my dearest friends, and my one coworker would be leaving almost as soon as I returned from my sister's wedding. Oh, and one more thing, we'd have to vacate the house we'd lived in for two years. Nothing new. We'd said goodbye to many friends through the years, and even had to move a number of times. But somehow, it was just different this time - harder. What a blessing those few days of our entire family being together were in mid-March! The moments rejoicing over my sister and brother-in-law's happiness that we all shared were priceless. Who would have known that they'd be what would sustain us for the months to come?

The biggest blow, as you probably know if you've read any of my previous posts, was the news that dad was gone. Talk about being homesick then! After going to my mother's side then returning to my own family across the sea, in a little house that was foreign to us all still... I can not explain my emotional state outside of one word. Homeless. When would I ever feel that comfort again? No place to rest my heart because I didn't know how or what I felt other than numb for a while.

But then somehow, I began to have peace. I started questioning again. I have talked about questioning things before, and that's what I turned to once again. You know, it's funny how many of my friends have told me the same thing. That they have begun to questioning everything we'd ever been taught, and for some, it's brought them to the soothing sea of peace. I'd been led to believe that it was the opposite, you know? That questioning is a dangerous, forbidden thing. But it's not. It can lead to peace. But the pursuit shouldn't end! I have talked to many friends whose questioning has lead them to find peace, yes, but I've talked to almost as many who have talked about questioning leading them to nothing but confusion. And I guess that's the danger some will tell you is not worth the pursuit. But I just happen to disagree. Because I believe that the pursuit of truth might just lead you to more and more questions, but it will only end there if you stop seeking. I can only imagine what might have become of my aching heart had I stopped the search and thrown my hands up in despair after the first flood of confusing questions came! How abandoned and alone I had felt at times! But the one constant in my search has been a love that height, depth, principalities and powers could never separate me from. Though I couldn't always "feel" it - it was there. How amazing is this grace we sing and talk about? Do we really understand? I don't know that we ever will fully, but I have started to rest in it. That grace which is more than amazing; love extended when I'm the one questioning everything about the One who made it all.

So even if you are among those whose questions have not found answers as of yet, and you have just decided you don't know what you believe about it all, I hope your pursuit does not end there. For there is grace, love and peace awaiting you! Come on home, it's all going to be okay.